Mixed Emotions

If one more person asks me how I feel - I think I might have to scream! I don't know how I feel.

The Asst. Zookeeper's older brother needs a kidney - and as soon as possible. It's taken him two years to meet all the requirements to be placed on the transplant list. And in those two years, he's health has visibly deteriorated.

Tomorrow, the Asst. Zookeeper and both of his brothers are going for the second round of "Are you a match?" testing. They just have to give a few tubes of blood and then wait for three weeks for the answer.

The Asst. Zookeeper has asked how I feel about the possibility of him giving his brother a kidney. The IN LAWS have asked me. Family friends have asked. And I don't know the answer.

I can only imagine BIL #1's misery. I know he's lost sleep over his brothers going through the testing. And he actually spent two years telling them that they were NOT going to, that he would just wait out his time on the transplant list. But he's so sick, and to their credit, the Asst. Zookeeper and BIL #2 have insisted at this point.

He's family. I realize that he's my brother-in-law, but I still think of him as MY family. And he drives me crazy and we don't always get along, but he's still family. I love his wife and his girls. I can only imagine how heart-sick Jen has been for the past two years.

But he's my Asst. Zookeeper. And I know that he heals well and he heals quickly. And I have great respect for the fact that he's willing. I can only hope I would be able of doing the same. But I worry. He's voluntarily putting himself in surgery. And he's going to hurt, and I can't fix that.

It's going to be a long three week wait. On one hand, I want the decision to be out of his hands. That he won't be a match - but I feel horribly selfish thinking that. And I know how disappointed he will be if he doesn't match. But if he matches, all I can do is support him. How could I do anything less?

It's not that I want to not help his brother, I just want to protect Dan. And I know if he knew what I was thinking, that he'd laugh, shake his head at me, and tell me that I worry too much. I think it's a result of being married to someone with a big heart.