But there are other days - many other days - where I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I catch glimpses that they truly ARE learning what we feel they should know. These glimpses of maturity take my breath away. This past week, I lost my breath three times - once for each Heathen.
***
The youngest Heathen is currently playing soccer on a tournament team. He has learned so much this season and has made so much progress. Mob-ball has turned into a recognizable sport. Despite the progress made, his team is not the strongest at the tournaments. I've watched him struggle with defeat, as a team, and discouragement, personally. We've spent a many a day talking about the important part of sports: learning to work with others, dedication to a commitment, etc.
At the last tournament, his team was eliminated after regular play after a long and chilly day of soccer. As he came across the field to me, I was surprised to hear his question. I assumed we would be packing up and leaving the field, heading for home and food (not necessarily in that order). However, he had other plans. "Can we stay and watch my friends' team in the championship game?"
And I lost my breath for a moment. He didn't care that his team was eliminated. He wanted to stay and cheer for a team that did better than his. His friends were playing and he wanted to support them. He had learned to celebrate for others. Suddenly, the early mornings leaving for tournaments was worth every minute of lost sleep.
So we stayed. He spent the game learning the names of the other players. He spent the entire game cheering for them and yelling encouragement. He sat in my lap as we watched the game together. Unfortunately, his friends did not "win" - they took second place. Heathen #3 cheered as his friends received their trophies with genuine joy and pride in their accomplishment. On the way home, he thanked me for allowing us to stay.
***
Not long after we relocated our Zoo to its current location, the Asst. Zookeeper built a flagpole for me at the end of our driveway. In March, the flagpole he built was destroyed in a vehicle accident. It was a very difficult day for us and for me in particular. I've struggled to regain "normal" ever since. The flag that was on the pole that day was salvageable, but I hid it in the basement, not wanting to see it. The Asst. Zookeeper promised to build me a new flagpole once the weather broke or when I was ready. Despite being well into June, I hadn't asked.
A week ago, I had the youngest Heathen at soccer practice around 6pm when I received a text message from Heathen #1 asking what time I would be home. I advised him of our ETA, assuming that he was thinking with his stomach and deciding if he wanted to make a sandwich, or wait until I returned and see if I could be conned into making a late night meal for him.
Practice ended 30 minutes early because a thunderstorm rolled in and we had to clear the pitch. I came home to find my oldest Heathen at the end of the our driveway, working in the rain to build this:
After pulling the car off the road, I got out in the rain to talk to my Heathen. Although panicked that he was at the end of the driveway where I'm afraid to go, I managed to ask him what he was doing. He grinned at me, and then stated that the driveway had looked odd without the flagpole, it was definitely missing and needed to be put back. He said he thought I would feel better if the driveway was returned to "normal" as well.
And I stood in the rain and tried to breathe as I looked at him. All I could do was hug him and tell him thank you. He had used his own money from his summer job to purchase the supplies. And he was correct - he returned another small part of my world to "normal" that day by replacing the flagpole. And now, instead of looking at the end of my driveway and shuddering and avoiding it with dread, I find myself focusing on the flagpole and thinking of the Heathen that built it and smiling.
***
My middle Heathen and I butt heads on a DAILY basis - which is common knowledge to all that know us. Put two pig-headed people in a Zoo that have different viewpoints. It doesn't always go well.
Two days ago, I was busy all day. It was one of those days where time seemed to race past faster than I could get things crossed off my "to do" list. Although I'm not a stranger to these type of days, this one in particular exhausted me. It was after 11 that evening when I crawled into bed and decided to check Facebook prior to shutting off the lights. And I found this posted to my timeline:
 |
| He added the comment: Love you Mom. |
Heathen #2 had posted it earlier that day. And it took me a few minutes to catch my breath again.
For at least a few minutes that day, my Heathen had recognized a quality in himself (and his mother) and accepted it. He had the (possibly fleeting) maturity to OWN his quality and to think in terms of how it can affect those around him. He managed to do something for at least a few minutes that many adults struggle with on a daily basis.
And he never asked that day if I had checked Facebook. And he hasn't asked since if I saw what he posted. He simply put it there for me to find.
***
So, the struggling is worth it. The frustration of civilizing Heathens is worth it. None of them are yet a "finished product" but I can see the end goal. So, I'll refrain from throwing my hands in the air and screaming in frustration on certain days. Civilization wasn't built in a day. Neither is any Heathen civilized in such a small bit of time.
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