Prior to the Heathens, I vaguely remember carrying a purse the size of a Tic-Tac. Upon Heathen #1's arrival, the Tic-Tac disappeared to be replaced by the ever-trusty diaper bag. About the size of a small duffel bag, our diaper bag when through a few renovations over the 11 years that I carried one.
Now years past that phase of parenting, I'm back to the woman's closest companion - my purse. I've noticed in the past week that it was time. There was too much stuff crammed in there: pens, pencils, receipts, to do lists, small tubes of lotion, hair clips, candy wrappers, gum wrappers, and other random objects that I have no idea why they were there or who put them there. It was time to empty it out, sort through the detritus, and discard the rubbish. Much like spring cleaning, it is not something I look forward to doing, but I feel better when it is over.
All receipt dates were checked to make sure they were financially recorded and then thrown away. All hair accessories were returned to the container in the linen closet. All candy/gum wrappers went into the garbage. Coupons' expiration dates were checked. Expired ones into the trash, valid ones into the wallet where I would see them to use prior to expiration (hopefully).
As I placed the coupons into my wallet, I noticed a ragged paper I keep in the back of my wallet. I haven't noticed it in quite a while and it surprised me that it was actually still there. I smiled as I pulled it out and carefully unfolded a magazine article that I have carried in my wallet for years. Like my purse, it is always with me. I've read that article so many times in the past years. As I reread it this morning, I noticed the date:
Just shy of twelve years. I was pregnant with Heathen #3 when I found this article. I've had this article with me for that long. Heathen #3 didn't make his appearance until mid-July that year.
As a Zoo, we rarely subscribe to magazines. We are so rarely able to actually sit down and read one that it has always seemed to be rather a waste of money to us. And I am personally not (and never have been) a subscriber to "mommy magazines," as I think of them. Although I am sure they have the best intentions at heart, I've always felt as though those magazines make the work of raising children more difficult.
The articles are full of suggestions, crafts, pictures, etc. that have always struck me as so unattainable (for the most part). I'm left feeling frustrated and as though I failed at whatever task was covered in that months issue. Unfortunately, when you have children, especially children like my Heathens, you visit the pediatrician's office frequently - and they subscribe to those magazines en mass. Stacks of them are everywhere you turn.
That is my only guess at this point in time as to how I came upon this article in the first place. I don't remember the location or why I was there or who I had with me. But I remember reading this article and feeling as though it was written just for me. I remember looking hastily around to be sure no one was looking. Quietly as possible, I tore the two pages from the magazine, and quickly folded it and stuffed my contraband into my purse.
This is what I've carried for so long:
At that point in my life, I was working full time, juggling two small Heathens (ages 6 and 2), and pregnant with the third Heathen. While I love my Heathens, I have always loved my job - whatever it happened to be at that time. And I have always retained, to this day, a dual sense of guilt: one part, "I should want to stay home with my Heathens," and one part, "I should have a career and use my education." Oil and water, those bits of guilt are always discernible.
This article was the first I had seen that did not only support one side of the guilt or the other. It was not a list of all the ways children of stay-at-home mothers thrived more or a list of all the financial advantages to having a second income. It was an article written for me - and those like me - that love what they do and feel guilty and selfish for loving their jobs.
This article has been the equivalent of shaking a bottle of salad dressing. When the guilt of one or the other separates from everyday life, when I feel as though I am failing at a task (either as a mother or a teacher), when I feel overwhelmed by trying to have both worlds - I read this article. It shakes me out of that feeling of being overwhelmed.
Two years after I started to carry this article, I stopped working full-time and went to part-time. I am blessed with a husband that allows me the freedom (both financially and supportively) to make that change. That change freed me from so much of that guilt that I had carried for so long.
Over the years, as the Heathens have grown, I have needed to read the article less and less. For one, I've read it so many times that I could probably write most of it down from memory. But more importantly, as I've watched my Heathens grow, I have watched the eleven reasons listed in the article all come true with my Heathens. While I still worry over how my Heathens will turn out in the future, I now look at strong facial features forming clues to permanent appearances instead of the soft, boneless, fragile, doughy appearances of babies and small children. Now I watch strong personalities and characters instead of holding hands and struggling to teach "waiting your turn" at the playground to small impatient Heathens.
I reread the article again this morning, wondering if I still "needed" the article. With Heathen #3 in 6th grade this year, I went back to work full-time at the beginning of the school year. It has been an adjustment for both myself and the Heathens. Complaining about the chaos and juggling has been done by both the younger two Heathens and myself. It was specifically mentioned one day that, "I liked it when we just had me-and-Mommy days. I wish you didn't work."
Remember the amount of guilt that particular statement caused me, I shook myself this morning while I held the article in hand. Carefully, I refolded the article and put it back into my wallet with a soft smile. I'm not quite ready yet to give up that article. And I may not be ready until the Heathens are all successfully launched into their own lives. And that's okay. And the article is right, my Heathens are turning out well. That's okay with me.
** For those that would like to read the article, it is available here.
