Spider Web Stillness

My school year is complete - the finals have been given and graded, grades have been submitted, assessments have been tracked for the department and submitted, filing is done, and my "work bag" has been stowed away for the summer.  I LOVE my job as part-time faculty.  It allows me to have the best of both worlds - both as a working mother and a stay-at-home mother.

Sometimes though, it provides me with the WORST of both worlds.  

I have work deadlines that must be met, lessons to prep, tests to create and grade, etc - but I have to do all of it in three days a week.  And while I only work part-time, I still set high standards for myself concerning what takes place in my classroom.  And, the standards are never "part-time" standards.

The other two days a week, I'm at home.  And I feel as though the house should be clean, the dishes and laundry done and put away, and a meal on the table every night.  I should volunteer at the schools (there is currently a Heathen at all three school buildings: elementary, middle & high).  I should volunteer with outside groups.  After all - I don't "really" work.  Again, the standards I set are what creates my downfall.

Bless the Asst. Zookeeper's heart - if I had a penny for every time he has looked at me and told me to quit my job, or go back to work full-time, or go back to school, or whatever I need to hear on that particular day.  This man's support has always been unfailing - which sometimes makes me feel even guiltier when I feel that I have failed in some way.  But his support is the rock upon which my world is built.  When I count my blessings, the Asst. Zookeeper is at the top of the list.

This morning, as the Heathens were getting ready for school, nothing seemed to go the way I planned.  Two Heathens were very slow getting out of bed.  The third Heathen had a headache and I had used the last of the Tylenol myself just last night.  I had (a lot of) cheese quesadillas to make for Teacher Appreciation Day at the middle school that had to be delivered by 10am.  

And in the middle of this whirlwind, the college called.  When I was my final grades, I didn't click through all of the pages so that the grades were saved to the system for the registrar.  The woman on the other end told me (unhappily - but understandably) that my grades not being submitted was holding up the entire process of figuring out who was eligible for graduation.  Ugh - I've used the system for years and never screwed it up yet.  But, today was the day.  And everyone was waiting on ME to do my job correctly.  I promised her I would re-enter the grades as soon as my Heathens were out the door for school.

Heathen #2 left first - and reminded me on the way out the door that he needed lunch money (which I promised to drop off at the school with the quesadillas).  Heathen #1 left second and he had everything he needed for the last track meet of the season.  By the time, Heathen #3 and I headed out the door for the bus, I was ready to panic because I had screwed up at work and I still had quesadillas that needed delivered on time.

And the bus was fifteen minutes late picking up the Heathen.  At the 10 minute late mark, I was dancing from foot to foot.  But then, Heathen #3 did something - and it changed my day.

Heathen #3's spiderweb and the fog coming in off the field.

He looked at me and asked if I noticed the fog coming into the yard from the field behind us and did I hear the geese honking as they flew overhead?  How could they fly in the fog and know where they were going?  And did I see that the dew on the lilies growing at the end of the driveway?  Doesn't it look like frost, even though it isn't?  And did I see the really cool spiderweb on the shrub behind me?  Where was the spider?  Where does it go when you can't see it?  And look at the big black ant over here?  Why is there only one ant?  Shouldn't there be more?

These are the eyes that still notice all the little things around him - even as he gets closer and closer to his tenth birthday.

He's worried that someday his blue eyes will change to another
color - as the other Heathens' eyes are green and brown.

Heathen #3 is an inquisitive little thing - although, not necessarily little anymore.  He only seems little in comparison to the sizes of the other Heathens.  But he forced me to stop and look around me as we stood at the end of the driveway.  And he forced me to notice things I would otherwise have simply overlooked - these things were not on the "to do" list running through my head in a loop.  And with his stream of questions, he forced me to respond and participate and think of the everyday things around me.

He forced me to stop and breathe and look around.

After he boarded the bus, I made a point of walking slowly back up our driveway.  The goats were bleating for attention, so I stopped in their pen and scratched their little round bellies.  Then I meandered my way back inside and got a new cup of coffee.  And I took five minutes to sit and drink it in a quiet living room while I watched the fog burn off the field behind us.

Only then did I re-enter the grades (it took all of 5 minutes).  And I finished the quesadillas and took them to the school (took less than 30 minutes).  Everything I was in a panic about finishing and getting done was completed quickly.

But it was completed more quickly and with a lot less stress that it would have been, if Heathen #3 hadn't forced me to slow down and look around with a bit of wonder while we waited for the bus.

Well done, Heathen.  Momma needed the reminder today.  Keep looking around you with those blue eyes.  I'm betting they will stay blue - but I'll love them (and the Heathen to whom they belong) regardless.