Coffee for the Shower

My mornings begin the same way that mornings begin for other mothers.  I have to drag myself out of bed so that I can BOMB my Heathens out of bed on time.

Heathen #1 is not friendly in the morning.  At the Zoo, waking him up is referred to as "poking the bear."

Waking up Heathen #3 is taking your
own life in your hands.

Heathen #2 pops out of bed like fresh daisy in the morning.  Many times, he wakes me up.  "Momma, it's 6:30 and you aren't out of bed yet.  We are gonna be LATE."

Heathen #2 wakes up on his own and is
disgustingly cheerful.

Heathen #3 is somewhere in the middle.  He wakes up pleasant, but he wakes up very slowly and needs to be constantly prodded to get out of bed and dressed.

Heathen #3 has to be dragged out of bed,
but is not physically dangerous like Heathen #1.

After the morning battle has been waged (and WON!), and the Heathens have all boarded their buses and been whisked away to be someone else's trouble for a few hours, I trudge into the kitchen.

I may have already downed about 4 cups of coffee during the morning battle, but I will start a new pot.  And a cup of coffee goes to take a shower with me.  It is delightful to enjoy my coffee in w hot shower, and listen to the silence that has taken over the Zoo...

Recently, I forgot my empty coffee cup on the shelf in the shower.  Heathen #2 went to shower in the evening and brought me the cup.  He wanted to know why I was drinking coffee in the shower.

My response...  because I can.

Duct Tape INVASION

A few months ago, Heathen #2 developed a love of Duct Tape.  I don't have a clue as to where he first saw it.  One day, there was only the Asst. Zookeeper's duct tape in the house.  The next, Heathen #2 was watching youTube videos on how to make things.  It quickly turned into an addiction and became ALL he wanted to talk about.

Wallets, flowers, bows were all constructed of duct tape.  He quickly exhausted the Zoo's supply and was begging me to buy more.  So when I ran into the Dollar Tree for thank you notes, I saw a bin and grabbed him several roles.  Quite proud of myself for remembering, I presented Heathen #2 with my purchase.

Ten minutes later, Heathen #2 brought me back the tape.  I then received a lesson in why the brand of tape I had purchased was of poor quality (See Mom?  It doesn't tear easily.  It is too thin and it leaves all of these strings.  Duck Brand duct tape doesn't do THAT.)  He used the same voice for me that you use with small children while explaining why they shouldn't eat crayons.  I think of it as the "HOW could you be so stupid" voice. 

He then gave me back the generic tape and told me he would wait until we went to the store again.  So much for scoring "Momma points."

Yesterday after school, he spent the entire evening working on his Halloween costume.  His choice of costume has changed frequently over the past few months.  But it has always included "made of Duct Tape" or a "Duct Tape..." as part of it.  For example: a Duct Tape vampire, an army man made of Duct Tape.

Looks like it will be a Duct tape Halloween.

Politicians and Potty Doors

The first contact of the year has just arrived from the schools.

Not the first mailing - that arrived more than a month ago.  Not the first "important paper" that the Heathens bring home - those started arriving last week.  Not even the first "caught being good" phone call - we actually received TWO of those the first week of school.

No.  This was a different contact.  This contact involved the words, "please speak to your son concerning..."  It arrived in the form of an email.  The teacher must have started typing as soon as she put the littlest Heathen onto the bus.

I definitely am going to give the teacher credit.  She was nice enough to saw something nice about my child before getting to the true point of the email.  "Landon is certainly a politician around the school.  He knows everyone's name and says hello all the time.  It's very adorable."

Heathen #3 - the local politician.

Apparently, my child made some choices today that were not the best of choices.  During his bathroon break, he went into the bathroom stall, closed and locked the door, and then crawled out the bottom - leaving all the stall doors locked.

This election's issue.

Now I have to explain to him that he will NEVER get elected if he angers the local voters by locking them out of the bathroom!  Heathen #3 has some serious campaign issues to remember!  Hopefully, he doesn't choose to enter the debate...

Grandma Positioning System

Tuesday of this week was "Salon Day" where I pick up my 88-year-old grandmother and we head for the beauty parlor together.  The hair appointments are usually followed by a lunch date and any shopping she may need to do since she no longer drives.  This occurs every 6 weeks or so and we always have a good time.

Twice in the space of an hour that morning, she called me to tell me that she had moved.  She didn't want me going to the old apartment.  The first call made sense, I hadn't been to her new place yet.  She made the second call 30 minutes later because she had already forgotten she made the first call.  No trouble - it is just pare for the course with Gram. 

At the hair appointment, the lady cutting her hair asked her if she had bumped her head recently.  Gram said that she had been in a car accident.  I about came out of my seat!  After much questioning for clarification, it turns out that the car accident to which she was referring occurred before she gave up driving (almost 10 years ago).  Have I mentioned that Gram's 88-years-old yet?

After the hair appointments, we headed for her favorite chinese restaurant.  Over lunch we discussed any shopping she might need to do.  She stated that the only thing she needed to look at was a new towel rack.  I needed to pick up contacts at Sears.  She said she would look there first.

Upon arrival at Sears, we headed into the first floor entrance.  The optical department is on the first floor, towels are on the second floor.  At the escalator, I told her where the towels were on the second floor and offerred to go look for towel racks and then pick up the contacts on the way out.  Gram said she'd head up while I went for the contacts and then I could just meet her up there.

At this point, a small warning light went off in my head.  I really didn't want her to go by herself.  But I didn't want to insult her by treating her like a child.  I agreed that I would be right up to meet her in towels.  I placed her on the escalator and headed for the optical department.  Less than five minutes later, I was on the escalator and headed for towels.

Gram was not in the towels.  At just over five feet tall, she's a little hard to find in the store.  I looked through the entire section just in case.  No Gram.

I asked the clerk if he had seen a little old lady looking for a towel rack.  He said he had.  He had informed her that they didn't carry towel racks and she had headed out into the mall.

I quickly checked the towel sections in the other three department stores in the mall, all the while keeping my eyes open for her as I moved between stores.  No Gram.

I went back to Sears to see if she had turned up.  No Gram.

The same clerk informed me she had mentioned other shopping she needed to do.  Now I was at a complete loss - she had told me at lunch she didn't need to get anything else!  Now I wasn't even sure where to look!  I sat outside the Sears entrance for a while hoping she would show up.  Still no Gram.

I called my father at admitted to having lost his 88-year-old mother in the mall.  After laughing at me, he suggested checking back at the car and at the bottom of the escalator also.  On the way back to the escalator, I found Gram.  She was waiting for me at the top of the ELEVATOR instead of the ESCALATOR.

And she wanted to know what had taken me so long! 

I told her they couldn't locate Dan's contacts in the drawer, that they had been miss filed.  She said she couldn't find any towel racks, but she didn't feel like shopping any more today.  She was ready to go home.

Thank heavens.  I don't think my heart could have handled taking her to another store.

My Gram, with my nephew, Ozark.

Queen Oblivious Meets Irene

This event occurred on Saturday, August 27 and Sunday, August 28.  I am going to type the events of the story.  I am going to place my internal thoughts at each point in italics.

For the last weekend before school, I decided that the Heathens and I needed a grand finale.  So I made plans to take them to the Crayola Factory in Easton, PA.  Since it's a four hour drive, I decided to drive Saturday and get a hotel room for the night.  After visiting the Crayola Factory on Sunday, we would drive home and arrive in time for dinner, baths, and bed.

Friday, I started looking for a hotel room close to the Crayola Factory.  EVERYTHING was booked!  The Crayola Factory is close to a bunch of smaller universities - people are probably moving their kids into dorm rooms.  After much searching, I located a hotel.  It even had an indoor pool for the Heathens to spend Saturday evening - perfect!

Saturday, I put the Heathens into Louie the Land Yacht (the Asst. Zookeeper dubbed the Suburban).  We headed east on the turnpike.  There's a LOT of traffic headed east!  I'm glad there's hardly any traffic on my side of the turnpike.  Look at all the Penelec bucket trucks!  They must be moving them between depots.  Why else would there be more than 50 bucket trucks on the turnpike together?

After arriving at the hotel, the Heathens spent several hours in the pool.  After watching movies and jumping on beds, we fell asleep around 10.  Several times over the night, the wind and the rain woke me up.  Wow!  It's really raining out there!  Listen to that wind!

In the morning, we headed downstairs to the continental breakfast.  The place was packed with more than 50 people.  They must all be moving kids into their dorms!

The Heathens wanted to sit on the sun porch for their breakfast, but the roof had leaked the night before.  The sun porch was basically an indoor wading pool.  Wow!  What a storm that must have been!

We checked out and headed a little farther east to the Crayola Factory.  We arrived to find it closed because there was no power.  Heathen #2 was quite upset.  I told him that I had seen a sign for Lost River Caverns one exit back on the highway and we would try there instead.  How was I supposed to know there would be a storm and it would knock out the power?  Sorry, kiddo!  I didn't know!

Back one exit on the highway, we came across roads closed and cops in raincoats directing traffic.  Wow!  Must have been some storm!

We started dodging flooded roads, downed trees, and downed power lines around every corner.  When we came across the first river that had overflowed its banks and flooded houses, it finally hit me: I drove my children into Hurricane Irene. 

What should have been a 4 hour trip home took closer to 6 as we had to dodge flooding and trees across roads.  The Heathens spent a great deal of time with their noses pressed to the windows looking at all the damage.

When the Asst. Zookeeper asked the Heathens how the trip was, they told him about everything they had seen.  He looked at me and asked me where the Crayola Factory was.  After I told him that it is less than 10 miles from the New Jersey border, he just closed his eyes and shook his head at me.

Yes, I can be THAT oblivious to what is happening around me.

The Crayola Factory is located in the area colored hot pink for "extreme."

Wanted: Spouse

At my sister's wedding shower a few weekends ago, we played a great game.  I saved the responses to share with the world.

Directions: In "Want Ad" fashion, write your description of the ideal spouse.

Some of the responses:

"Single male ages 30-59, with job and benefits. Must own home and car.  Motorcycles a plus.  Sugar-mommy seekers need not apply. Must know how to do home repairs, especially plumbing (the female kind)."

"Wanted: an intelligent, young male that likes to cook, clean, and treat me like the princess I am. Helpful if you are outgoing and love children.  Romantic a plus."

"Wanted: a single, unmarried man.  Pleasant with common sense and a nice smile.  Able and willing to cook and clean. Likes to enjoy life.  Money helps."

"Wanted: clever, shy, and fiercely independent man.  Opinionated, strong willed, and eager to start a family.  Loving, caring and willing to get up and make coffee in the morning."

"Wanted: man that cleans up after himself and gets his own coffee."

"Wanted: man to do home maintenance, dishes, laundry, and cooking.  Must be willing to clean cat litter box.  Daily habits must include showering and brushing teeth.  Ideal man will be willing to wear what you tell him, and takes a 'honey-do' list seriously.  Must be able to notice and comment on my hair and clothes."

If any men read this and see themselves, please let me know!  I have some women who would LOVE to meet you!

Whitewater Debut

Despite starting off his summer with a broken arm, Heathen #1 has finally made it into the water at Tire Hill!  In his usual "duck to water" way, Heathen #1 has taken to surfing his new kayak with little difficulty.  Now the trouble is getting him down to the park as often as he would like.

After two hours in the water, Heathen #1
is tired but very satisfied.

I have to admit to sitting on the rocks and watching with a great deal of Momma-pride.  The Asst. Zookeeper was just as proud.  With less than 10 hours total in the water, he's exceeding all expectations.  That's my Heathen!