I've not posted since the beginning of Heathen #1's senior year of high school started. I had difficulty remembering to even breathe that year just trying to keep up with everything that needed to be done. At the end of the year and upon his leaving for Basic Training, I had trouble remembering to breathe because my Zoo felt broken.
It has taken me this long to regain my equilibrium (or at least close to equilibrium). While I knew his leaving would cause a drastic change, I failed to foresee the vast impact it would have - not only on myself, but on the younger two Heathens as well.
The younger Heathens have found their balance as well. Life here at the Zoo is beginning to feel normal again.
However, so much has happened - I'll have to start filling in the holes for the past many months. Enjoy!
Friday, July 28, 2017
Day Camp Era Ends
For the past eleven years, I have been to Cub Scout Day Camp. It has been an adventure EVERY year.
The first summer I attended the first day with Heathen #1 - and I was 9 months pregnant with Heathen #3. That Wednesday was the ONLY day I could attend as I was scheduled for an induction the following morning on Thursday. I was due on July 12. Wednesday was July 13. The camp nurse was a woman that I had known for years. And when she saw me arrive, I had to PROMISE that I wouldn't go into labor while I was at camp.
We had a great day with perfect weather. The fresh air was fabulous and although tired, I felt great. The only difficulty of the day was that the bathrooms were not centrally located and I needed to visit them frequently.
At 3:30, the group assembled for the closing flag ceremony and I excused myself from my group for yet another trip to the bathroom. Part way to the restroom, my water broke - at camp with more than 200 cub scouts. And I had scouts that I had to take home in addition to my own Heathens. I managed to round up the kids I needed and leave camp without having to admit to the nurse that I DID go into labor at camp - and I've never told her! I really had every intention of keeping that promise when I made it that morning.
Heathen #3 has attended Day Camp every year, including the year of his birth, except for one year when it overlapped with church camp. I attended Day Camp that year even though I DIDN'T have a scout there!
Archery, crafts, games, nature, feature, BB guns, scout skills, theme - stations that I will never visit again. I learned as much as my Heathens did over the years. I can tie the knots (some of them and not as well as the Heathens), I can start a fire (better than the Heathens), I've learned about space, the ocean, the Oregon Trail and so much more.
I've watched Heathens fall asleep in the car every day on the way home - every year. I've never heard one say they DIDN'T want to attend.
I've been a "walker" every year - chaperoning groups of scouts from station to station. I've watched them run when they were supposed to walk and walk when they were supposed to run. I've survived crafts that always seemed to involve a scout swinging a hammer and me holding the nail. I've survived archery and BB guns and yelled the phrase "keep that pointed down range!" more times than I can count. I've watched a scout put skittles in his nose and then look at me as though nothing was strange - and then eat said Skittles. I've searched for scouts that wandered away from their groups. I've survived Mother Nature in all her glory, packed into small rooms with small boys, waiting for the storm to pass.
I've watched my Heathens make friends and I've made friends myself.
But the Heathens are finished with Day Camp, at least as campers. I could see them going back as staff at some point, but that will be their choice. I have regained three days in the month of July for many years to come. And while I won't be going to Day Camp next summer, I don't know that I'll ever pass the month of July without thinking of it.
The first summer I attended the first day with Heathen #1 - and I was 9 months pregnant with Heathen #3. That Wednesday was the ONLY day I could attend as I was scheduled for an induction the following morning on Thursday. I was due on July 12. Wednesday was July 13. The camp nurse was a woman that I had known for years. And when she saw me arrive, I had to PROMISE that I wouldn't go into labor while I was at camp.
We had a great day with perfect weather. The fresh air was fabulous and although tired, I felt great. The only difficulty of the day was that the bathrooms were not centrally located and I needed to visit them frequently.
At 3:30, the group assembled for the closing flag ceremony and I excused myself from my group for yet another trip to the bathroom. Part way to the restroom, my water broke - at camp with more than 200 cub scouts. And I had scouts that I had to take home in addition to my own Heathens. I managed to round up the kids I needed and leave camp without having to admit to the nurse that I DID go into labor at camp - and I've never told her! I really had every intention of keeping that promise when I made it that morning.
Heathen #3 has attended Day Camp every year, including the year of his birth, except for one year when it overlapped with church camp. I attended Day Camp that year even though I DIDN'T have a scout there!
Archery, crafts, games, nature, feature, BB guns, scout skills, theme - stations that I will never visit again. I learned as much as my Heathens did over the years. I can tie the knots (some of them and not as well as the Heathens), I can start a fire (better than the Heathens), I've learned about space, the ocean, the Oregon Trail and so much more.
I've watched Heathens fall asleep in the car every day on the way home - every year. I've never heard one say they DIDN'T want to attend.
I've been a "walker" every year - chaperoning groups of scouts from station to station. I've watched them run when they were supposed to walk and walk when they were supposed to run. I've survived crafts that always seemed to involve a scout swinging a hammer and me holding the nail. I've survived archery and BB guns and yelled the phrase "keep that pointed down range!" more times than I can count. I've watched a scout put skittles in his nose and then look at me as though nothing was strange - and then eat said Skittles. I've searched for scouts that wandered away from their groups. I've survived Mother Nature in all her glory, packed into small rooms with small boys, waiting for the storm to pass.
I've watched my Heathens make friends and I've made friends myself.
But the Heathens are finished with Day Camp, at least as campers. I could see them going back as staff at some point, but that will be their choice. I have regained three days in the month of July for many years to come. And while I won't be going to Day Camp next summer, I don't know that I'll ever pass the month of July without thinking of it.
Saturday, January 28, 2017
Two Sheets of Powerful Paper
Everyone owns a bag of some sort. This bag is your "catch-all" - backpack, purse, etc. Occasionally, this bag needs to be cleaned out. For many mothers, it is whatever bag they can NOT leave home without. Some mothers carry small bags, some carry medium size bags, and some use carry-on sized luggage. NONE of us can fault the luggage haulers - when those of us who opt for a smaller bag have need of something for our own child, the luggage-hauler inevitably digs through her luggage and magically pulls out whatever we need, and than hands it to us and shares with a smile. We would all be lost without those particular mothers!
Prior to the Heathens, I vaguely remember carrying a purse the size of a Tic-Tac. Upon Heathen #1's arrival, the Tic-Tac disappeared to be replaced by the ever-trusty diaper bag. About the size of a small duffel bag, our diaper bag when through a few renovations over the 11 years that I carried one.
Now years past that phase of parenting, I'm back to the woman's closest companion - my purse. I've noticed in the past week that it was time. There was too much stuff crammed in there: pens, pencils, receipts, to do lists, small tubes of lotion, hair clips, candy wrappers, gum wrappers, and other random objects that I have no idea why they were there or who put them there. It was time to empty it out, sort through the detritus, and discard the rubbish. Much like spring cleaning, it is not something I look forward to doing, but I feel better when it is over.
All receipt dates were checked to make sure they were financially recorded and then thrown away. All hair accessories were returned to the container in the linen closet. All candy/gum wrappers went into the garbage. Coupons' expiration dates were checked. Expired ones into the trash, valid ones into the wallet where I would see them to use prior to expiration (hopefully).
As I placed the coupons into my wallet, I noticed a ragged paper I keep in the back of my wallet. I haven't noticed it in quite a while and it surprised me that it was actually still there. I smiled as I pulled it out and carefully unfolded a magazine article that I have carried in my wallet for years. Like my purse, it is always with me. I've read that article so many times in the past years. As I reread it this morning, I noticed the date:
At that point in my life, I was working full time, juggling two small Heathens (ages 6 and 2), and pregnant with the third Heathen. While I love my Heathens, I have always loved my job - whatever it happened to be at that time. And I have always retained, to this day, a dual sense of guilt: one part, "I should want to stay home with my Heathens," and one part, "I should have a career and use my education." Oil and water, those bits of guilt are always discernible.
This article was the first I had seen that did not only support one side of the guilt or the other. It was not a list of all the ways children of stay-at-home mothers thrived more or a list of all the financial advantages to having a second income. It was an article written for me - and those like me - that love what they do and feel guilty and selfish for loving their jobs.
This article has been the equivalent of shaking a bottle of salad dressing. When the guilt of one or the other separates from everyday life, when I feel as though I am failing at a task (either as a mother or a teacher), when I feel overwhelmed by trying to have both worlds - I read this article. It shakes me out of that feeling of being overwhelmed.
Two years after I started to carry this article, I stopped working full-time and went to part-time. I am blessed with a husband that allows me the freedom (both financially and supportively) to make that change. That change freed me from so much of that guilt that I had carried for so long.
Over the years, as the Heathens have grown, I have needed to read the article less and less. For one, I've read it so many times that I could probably write most of it down from memory. But more importantly, as I've watched my Heathens grow, I have watched the eleven reasons listed in the article all come true with my Heathens. While I still worry over how my Heathens will turn out in the future, I now look at strong facial features forming clues to permanent appearances instead of the soft, boneless, fragile, doughy appearances of babies and small children. Now I watch strong personalities and characters instead of holding hands and struggling to teach "waiting your turn" at the playground to small impatient Heathens.
I reread the article again this morning, wondering if I still "needed" the article. With Heathen #3 in 6th grade this year, I went back to work full-time at the beginning of the school year. It has been an adjustment for both myself and the Heathens. Complaining about the chaos and juggling has been done by both the younger two Heathens and myself. It was specifically mentioned one day that, "I liked it when we just had me-and-Mommy days. I wish you didn't work."
Remember the amount of guilt that particular statement caused me, I shook myself this morning while I held the article in hand. Carefully, I refolded the article and put it back into my wallet with a soft smile. I'm not quite ready yet to give up that article. And I may not be ready until the Heathens are all successfully launched into their own lives. And that's okay. And the article is right, my Heathens are turning out well. That's okay with me.
** For those that would like to read the article, it is available here.
Prior to the Heathens, I vaguely remember carrying a purse the size of a Tic-Tac. Upon Heathen #1's arrival, the Tic-Tac disappeared to be replaced by the ever-trusty diaper bag. About the size of a small duffel bag, our diaper bag when through a few renovations over the 11 years that I carried one.
Now years past that phase of parenting, I'm back to the woman's closest companion - my purse. I've noticed in the past week that it was time. There was too much stuff crammed in there: pens, pencils, receipts, to do lists, small tubes of lotion, hair clips, candy wrappers, gum wrappers, and other random objects that I have no idea why they were there or who put them there. It was time to empty it out, sort through the detritus, and discard the rubbish. Much like spring cleaning, it is not something I look forward to doing, but I feel better when it is over.
All receipt dates were checked to make sure they were financially recorded and then thrown away. All hair accessories were returned to the container in the linen closet. All candy/gum wrappers went into the garbage. Coupons' expiration dates were checked. Expired ones into the trash, valid ones into the wallet where I would see them to use prior to expiration (hopefully).
As I placed the coupons into my wallet, I noticed a ragged paper I keep in the back of my wallet. I haven't noticed it in quite a while and it surprised me that it was actually still there. I smiled as I pulled it out and carefully unfolded a magazine article that I have carried in my wallet for years. Like my purse, it is always with me. I've read that article so many times in the past years. As I reread it this morning, I noticed the date:
Just shy of twelve years. I was pregnant with Heathen #3 when I found this article. I've had this article with me for that long. Heathen #3 didn't make his appearance until mid-July that year.
As a Zoo, we rarely subscribe to magazines. We are so rarely able to actually sit down and read one that it has always seemed to be rather a waste of money to us. And I am personally not (and never have been) a subscriber to "mommy magazines," as I think of them. Although I am sure they have the best intentions at heart, I've always felt as though those magazines make the work of raising children more difficult.
The articles are full of suggestions, crafts, pictures, etc. that have always struck me as so unattainable (for the most part). I'm left feeling frustrated and as though I failed at whatever task was covered in that months issue. Unfortunately, when you have children, especially children like my Heathens, you visit the pediatrician's office frequently - and they subscribe to those magazines en mass. Stacks of them are everywhere you turn.
That is my only guess at this point in time as to how I came upon this article in the first place. I don't remember the location or why I was there or who I had with me. But I remember reading this article and feeling as though it was written just for me. I remember looking hastily around to be sure no one was looking. Quietly as possible, I tore the two pages from the magazine, and quickly folded it and stuffed my contraband into my purse.
This is what I've carried for so long:
At that point in my life, I was working full time, juggling two small Heathens (ages 6 and 2), and pregnant with the third Heathen. While I love my Heathens, I have always loved my job - whatever it happened to be at that time. And I have always retained, to this day, a dual sense of guilt: one part, "I should want to stay home with my Heathens," and one part, "I should have a career and use my education." Oil and water, those bits of guilt are always discernible.
This article was the first I had seen that did not only support one side of the guilt or the other. It was not a list of all the ways children of stay-at-home mothers thrived more or a list of all the financial advantages to having a second income. It was an article written for me - and those like me - that love what they do and feel guilty and selfish for loving their jobs.
This article has been the equivalent of shaking a bottle of salad dressing. When the guilt of one or the other separates from everyday life, when I feel as though I am failing at a task (either as a mother or a teacher), when I feel overwhelmed by trying to have both worlds - I read this article. It shakes me out of that feeling of being overwhelmed.
Two years after I started to carry this article, I stopped working full-time and went to part-time. I am blessed with a husband that allows me the freedom (both financially and supportively) to make that change. That change freed me from so much of that guilt that I had carried for so long.
Over the years, as the Heathens have grown, I have needed to read the article less and less. For one, I've read it so many times that I could probably write most of it down from memory. But more importantly, as I've watched my Heathens grow, I have watched the eleven reasons listed in the article all come true with my Heathens. While I still worry over how my Heathens will turn out in the future, I now look at strong facial features forming clues to permanent appearances instead of the soft, boneless, fragile, doughy appearances of babies and small children. Now I watch strong personalities and characters instead of holding hands and struggling to teach "waiting your turn" at the playground to small impatient Heathens.
I reread the article again this morning, wondering if I still "needed" the article. With Heathen #3 in 6th grade this year, I went back to work full-time at the beginning of the school year. It has been an adjustment for both myself and the Heathens. Complaining about the chaos and juggling has been done by both the younger two Heathens and myself. It was specifically mentioned one day that, "I liked it when we just had me-and-Mommy days. I wish you didn't work."
Remember the amount of guilt that particular statement caused me, I shook myself this morning while I held the article in hand. Carefully, I refolded the article and put it back into my wallet with a soft smile. I'm not quite ready yet to give up that article. And I may not be ready until the Heathens are all successfully launched into their own lives. And that's okay. And the article is right, my Heathens are turning out well. That's okay with me.
** For those that would like to read the article, it is available here.
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