Redefining My Life

Sometimes, when you wake up in the mornings, you know exactly what you will be doing every minute of the day. Every thing is planned and prepared. Everything is scheduled. There will be no surprises. You know you will go to bed really tired, but that you will be content and satisfied with the day. That's how I felt when I got out of bed last Tuesday (May 27). I couldn't have been more wrong.

Around 2pm that afternoon, I was called to my executive director's office and told my position had been "terminated." Immediately. Hand in your keys. Clean out your office. Go home.

I'll readily admit to ending up in tears rapidly. I had put almost four years into the organization and I LOVED my job and I loved a lot of the people I worked with like family. I had left a teaching position for this job.

So instead of my day going as I had assumed, it was suddenly turned upside-down. Maybe "blown-up" would be a more accurate description of the feeling. I called the Asst. Zookeeper to come help me clean out my office - after four years, I had accumulated quite a bit.

The Asst. Zookeeper did exactly what I needed him to do that day. He walked into my office and gave me a huge hug and immediately told me that we would be okay with just his income. God, I love that man. We packed everything up and headed back to the Zoo. We had a regular evening of grocery shopping. it seemed very surreal to me - almost like I wasn't really in my body.

I made it through the rest of last week without too much trouble. I found myself sort of walking around the house and not doing a whole lot. But I'm getting better.

This summer, I'll be attempting something that I've always said I never wanted to do, something that I was incapable of enjoying, something that would drive me insane. I'm going to be a "stay at home mom" for the summer.

My fear has nothing to do with not loving my children. I wasn't raised to stay home. I was raised that I would have a job, a career, and that I would be out of the house and working. In my brain, I've always associated "stay at home mom" with "unambitios" or "unsuccessful." And I know that's not true. Now I'll be attempting to do it. And keep my sanity at the same time.